Introspection night!

[pphaneuf]

I like waking up some people. It's rare I get to do it, with my sleep patterns, but I enjoy it when it happens.

Had a good time at cpirate's Nitiversary yesterday. An odd even higher than usual number of moments where I noticed how my way of thinking is different than that of others.

The work week flew by incredibly quickly, but the friday was one of these marathon 16 hour days. Productivity severely tapers off toward the end, of course, particularly as I bounced ideas with cpirate and wlach, but managed to produce some good evilness. We went for a beer at Old Dublin after, which has rather loud, but sometimes deliciously odd music (for an irish pub). We left the place to the sound of Björk, which was awesome.

It's actually a cold night tonight. And I'll be alone in my bed, and I'm looking forward to it. I rarely miss having the bed for myself (the opposite is more common, yes!), but I do like it sometimes. Not that I haven't had it this week sometimes, but I don't know, tonight seems likes a stretch out in my bed kind of night. Or morning, as it may be, since I felt like doing groceries and driving around, and it is now ridiculously late (or amazingly early). Hmm, pierogies for dinner tomorrow!

Some thoughts I've simmered for a long time, and often find myself trying to explain in an inarticulate way, so I'll write them down and just point at this entry. :-)

How do people in exclusive relationships deal with being attracted to someone else, particularly when it's not just a physical kind of attraction, but that there really seems to be something? What's the agreement exactly in a "conventional relationship"? I understand that physical displays of affection would be off-limit and considered cheating, but what about the feelings? "I'm in love with this other guy, but I'm not cheating!", is that true? To me, the feelings would count at least as much, and I've let my exes get very close physically to some persons where there wasn't much attraction without flinching, and feeling cheated upon when seeing simple holding of hands where I felt this wasn't the case.

If you are with someone who expects you to love him/her exclusively, would you break up if you found yourself not doing so? Is it more fair and respectful to do so, as you would be effectively "cheating" by breaking what was more or less agreed upon? Or would that be unfair? Hmm, maybe it's unfair but respectful?

In my opinion, this is just a completely unreasonable request, and someone insisting on something so ludicrous as requiring me to have total control on my emotions (as opposed to acting or not upon them) would find themselves free to require this of someone else soon enough...

Comments

[xothia.livejournal.com]

Well, the whole point of a monogomaous relationship is two people devoted to each other beyond all others. If your feelings and history are strong enough with one person, a passing fancy for someone else is not enough to risk the happiness of your chosen partner. After all, true love (not just infatuation or sexual attraction) takes a long time, and shared experiences to build up, and it would be pretty hard to "be in love" with someone else without concious effort (which would be distinctly avoided if you were to be devoted to afforementioned mono-partner).

While you can feel love for many people at the same time, as humans, we are incapable of devoting our full attention to more than one thing at a time (not to say we can't do more than one thing at a time, but each task/thing loses out somewhat). Which is why familial or friendship love is so contextual. While we may be devoted to each person, spending time with one takes away from time to the other. Hence families are many people and a moving dynamic.

However, when choosing a romantic partner, it is unlikely that they get 100% when it's being frittered away on other people. While families can sit around and share love all together, there is a special bond created when only two people share something. Yes, there are tradeoffs to this, but the benefits are clear. A secret (or whatever) shared between two people is much more special than one that many can have access to.

When I look at my love's eyes, I like to know that there are certain things only for me (sexual & emotional). Yeah, over time there will be crushes and whatnot, but knowing these are transitory, and having the fortitude to put your energy where it will count in the long term, are what makes sucha strong bond. But I think the key to all this is to find someone who is special enough that simply a mental or physical connection with someone else is transcended by the magnitude of understanding and joy you find in the complete package you've commited to.

Speaking from experience, whent he person is worth it, you want to commit. You don't want to share or be shared. Otherwise, why bother committing? It's just a matter of comfort and convenience and you're cheating yourself in the long term. I know polys will disagree with me, and that's fine, but I really think (for me) that sharing is shortchanging yourself and your partner by frittering attention away on many people or the wrong partner.

It's not a matter of requiring you to have control over your emotions, but over the actions that made you go back to the initial passing fancy and cultivate them into something more. /my oppinion

[pphaneuf.livejournal.com]

Now, that's quite an interesting reply! This makes things much clearer to me, whether I agree or not with it, thanks a lot.

I have my own experiences, obviously, but when I hear someone make their point so clearly, I cannot help but approve, even though I might disagree. This is a conscious choice on your part, you don't seem like you're just doing it like this because "it's how it's always been" or anything silly like that. We need more people like that in the world.

[azrhey.livejournal.com]

I understand with your point of view. it is not something that I would live with right now but I thik I could, and who knows what I willb e thinking in the future, 10 years from now or something like that.

What I agree most with you is that, eventhought you make the apology of monogamy, you re also conscient that crushes and attractions may happen throughtout time. What is done with is is up to each one. What I find somewhat impossible is when people say that because they are in love with someone they will never ever be attracted to someone else ever again. Not even talking loving here, but physical attraction?


Which was the main problem I had with past ( monogamous ) relationships. I was expected to be monogamous ( which I could live with ) but also to not be physically attracted to anyone else ! ( which made it very hard to go see a movie with *insert random attractive actor* with them ) .

[pphaneuf.livejournal.com]

I can't help but think of the opening credits of The Island... "Kitchen table, kitchen table, sofa, kitchen table, out the door..." :-)

I'm fine with you having some time on the kitchen table, I'll be waiting on the sofa. ;-)