Introspection night!

[pphaneuf]

I like waking up some people. It's rare I get to do it, with my sleep patterns, but I enjoy it when it happens.

Had a good time at cpirate's Nitiversary yesterday. An odd even higher than usual number of moments where I noticed how my way of thinking is different than that of others.

The work week flew by incredibly quickly, but the friday was one of these marathon 16 hour days. Productivity severely tapers off toward the end, of course, particularly as I bounced ideas with cpirate and wlach, but managed to produce some good evilness. We went for a beer at Old Dublin after, which has rather loud, but sometimes deliciously odd music (for an irish pub). We left the place to the sound of Björk, which was awesome.

It's actually a cold night tonight. And I'll be alone in my bed, and I'm looking forward to it. I rarely miss having the bed for myself (the opposite is more common, yes!), but I do like it sometimes. Not that I haven't had it this week sometimes, but I don't know, tonight seems likes a stretch out in my bed kind of night. Or morning, as it may be, since I felt like doing groceries and driving around, and it is now ridiculously late (or amazingly early). Hmm, pierogies for dinner tomorrow!

Some thoughts I've simmered for a long time, and often find myself trying to explain in an inarticulate way, so I'll write them down and just point at this entry. :-)

How do people in exclusive relationships deal with being attracted to someone else, particularly when it's not just a physical kind of attraction, but that there really seems to be something? What's the agreement exactly in a "conventional relationship"? I understand that physical displays of affection would be off-limit and considered cheating, but what about the feelings? "I'm in love with this other guy, but I'm not cheating!", is that true? To me, the feelings would count at least as much, and I've let my exes get very close physically to some persons where there wasn't much attraction without flinching, and feeling cheated upon when seeing simple holding of hands where I felt this wasn't the case.

If you are with someone who expects you to love him/her exclusively, would you break up if you found yourself not doing so? Is it more fair and respectful to do so, as you would be effectively "cheating" by breaking what was more or less agreed upon? Or would that be unfair? Hmm, maybe it's unfair but respectful?

In my opinion, this is just a completely unreasonable request, and someone insisting on something so ludicrous as requiring me to have total control on my emotions (as opposed to acting or not upon them) would find themselves free to require this of someone else soon enough...

Comments

[pphaneuf.livejournal.com]

You and I quite agree on that subject, perharps not so surprisingly. :-)

My question was more for a "normal" couple. It's all about what would "they" do, because I know what I'd do already! :-)

The whole "no penetration is not cheating" and "anal only so they can stay virgins", I find completely untenable. This is crazy.

Saying "you can't love someone else" is also untenable to me. I think that those who say they can only love one person are deluding themselves.

But what are they supposed to do in a situation where one of them has feelings for someone else?

I'm afraid that what a lot of them actually to in that case is cheat, but say you don't want to cheat?

Me, would I be in an exclusive relationship, I would recognize those feelings and accept them, without acting upon them. But this might generate friction and this jealousy thing with the other person, given a "normal" couple, no?

Then, there's the option of repressing it all and doing as if it didn't existed. I've been there, and it's not pleasant at lot, and I'm not surprised a lot of people decide to cheat instead. But this is bad too, and might lead to more friction (although it might avoid the jealousy).

Or you could say that if you can't uphold the agreement, you're out of it, but this is highly unfair, as someone in my example would still love their partner, and their partner back.

My current theory is that cheating and/or repressing are the most common, which would help explain the very alien behaviours I find some "normal" people have...

[azrhey.livejournal.com]

agreed.

Me, would I be in an exclusive relationship, I would recognize those feelings and accept them, without acting upon them.

yes, but would you tell your partner given the probability of having to face the "you like XYZ? You don't like me anymore?"

or would you keep it a secret from your partner?

( in this case, -I- would consider it cheating, as in keeping secrets ).


Meh, normals are weird.

[pphaneuf.livejournal.com]

Well, now, yes, I would tell them. The partner might ask not to be told such things, but while people can agree to whatever they want, myself I've always found the "don't ask, don't tell" approach to be a symptom of something wrong. So if I was asked not to tell, I would have to think about this much, for other reasons.

But I remember a time where I was lying to myself. I didn't think about these things, if it was just a passing fancy, my psyche would automatically repress it for me, leaving me with an annoying niggling feeling in my soul that something isn't right (and these repressed feelings accumulate). In "worse" cases, I've felt compelled to cheat (but never did!) and would guilt-trip like nobody's business. And I'd tell myself that no, that's not the person I loved, this was nothing, putting on my blinkers (oeillères) on tight.

This was all rather painful, and I don't miss it the least in the world. This is one of the reasons that I am so bloody happy having the luck of knowing people like you, because by agreeing or at least being understanding, it's sort of saying that you wouldn't wish me all that pain.