Pulling a shard out of my side

[pphaneuf]

Thursday, I went out to get a close shave. I was a bit late already, but this was important to me. I then went and picked up Timin from sfllaw. I then realized I had forgotten my tickets to the show, so I headed back home, picked those up. It was a bit of a weird drive getting there, particularly up to Toronto, then I went a bit numb, from all that thinking. Stuck in the traffic in Toronto, I realized I had also forgotten my sleeping bag.

After picking up all the appropriate people in Waterloo (including sh8der_boi, who met there), we headed back to Toronto to see The Decemberists. I finally told elliptic_curve of my crush on her back when we had the Mozilla release party, and apparently it was reciprocal, so that had me shiny. It was a great show, although I am a bit disappointed that they didn't let me enter with my DSLR (not really surprising, but I had hope). We wandered around in the rather iffy Chinatown to get some food. We then headed back to Waterloo, where I had some California wine and good discussion with elliptic_curve.

Today, I started the day with the ghetto experience that it elliptic_curve's shower. We then headed over to Vincenzo's, where we had some good sandwiches, chocolate, coffee and more of that good conversation. The fact that I had a very hard decision to do pretty much sinked in after that.

I then headed over to the realtime lab at Waterloo, which I eventually reached after some amount of wandering about the campus. I met up with the appropriate people, as well as musicdieu, whom I didn't realized I missed that much, I was very happy to see him, actually cheered me some, which I am very appreciative of. As they have "pantsless fridays" at the realtime lab, I followed the rule, of course. Discussed the finer points of preemptive scheduling, hard realtime latency requirements and C++ templates, as well as having some fine oolong tea. We then headed over to some dubious asian restaurant, but I wasn't really hungry.

I then drove back to Toronto with my favourite person. Discussed things much on the way. I shall push myself away.

I still feel the same about her. Seems like I traded off a dull background pain for a much sharper, in my face kind of pain, but this is out of respect for myself, I had to do something. All of the options were going to hurt, so here I am, and it does.

One might think that I didn't have much to lose, but it seems that what little I had was extremely precious to me. I threw it away myself. I need a hug.

Comments

[azrhey.livejournal.com]

i am only a call away, you know that.

Hugs will be provided tomorrow, should be in town early afternoon.


I guess I was being a bit hopefull too here.

*hugs*

[pphaneuf.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[azrhey.livejournal.com]

:)

[sfllaw.livejournal.com]

I am also available if you are in need of hugs, tea, and consolation.

[angorian.livejournal.com]

I don't really know you personally at all, but I have to say, reading about the drama in your life the last couple days, I really respect your principles. You may have initiated some of this pain by forcing it to a resolution you're less happy with, but I can understand not liking the vagaries of the situation before which would be neither satisfying nor morally comfortable.

I generally prefer to be certain of the boundaries and condition of my relationships. Maybe it's because I'm a geek and so a bit less socially-inclined (yah, I know, stereotype, but I am an introvert) but I decided in high school that I'd rather not spend my energy on uncertainties and games and just be honest. I try not to be nastily or unpleasantly honest, but I also try not to make people around me guess what I am wanting or feeling since it just seems so inefficient. Admittedly, being non-poly with mostly non-poly close friends has made this substantially less confusing and conflicting.

Not sure what this post is... maybe just saying that someone is listening and hoping you will find a hug and a smile today. I really respect your resolution and daring to live fully. I definitely have found your posts to be interesting in an objective manner, if a bit sad in a subjective way (knowing that things probably weren't going to work out unless your favourite-person-in-wloo was willing to make a change, which I must say didn't seem likely because I would have expected it before if so).

[pphaneuf.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the compliment. I'm a bit surprised of it, coming from you, makes it all the most meaningful.

I prefer to be certain of the boundaries too, and that was one of the things that weren't clear. Maybe because I'm a geek too, but I decided similar things as well. The whole "you should be able to read my mind" thing is rather silly! It might not seem so from reading my diary, since here I write about things "raw", but I try not to be nasty or unpleasant, but sometimes, things need to be said...

This situation is a rather boringly non-poly one, I find (other than me having another favourite person, or the failure to be poly). It's good old "boy likes girl, but girl isn't available", really, nothing poly-schmancy to it! In fact, you'd note that poly ethics would have helped here (dishonesty is not allowed, and that was her dishonesty toward her boyfriend that got me to that, hence the "failure to be poly").

I think I'll manage to find both a hug and a smile today, there are good people around me. My resolve in being happy and living fully isn't easy work, but I think it is totally worth it, despite feeling the way I do right now.

I was a bit sad not to have any good option, but the "typical" behaviours in this situation are usually one of repressing one's feelings (which hurts too) or to entice her to cheat (which I'll have nothing to do with, and makes me furious), not exactly joyous either.

Again, I appreciate your comment. It's difficult being yourself when you feel like people think you are some kind of freaky weirdo, and I was already getting a good deal of that as a nerdy geek, so an unexpectedly understanding voice is quite welcome, even outside of the context of this particular situation. Thanks.

[angorian.livejournal.com]

I assume your surprise comes mainly from the fact that I'm in a longterm monogamous relationship or do I project an aura of a Prudish Puss (tm) ? (That would so make a good band name!) I try to be open-minded enough to recognize that what works for me may not for others and that other styles of relationships can be just as fulfilling for those involved and make them happy where what I enjoy would not. Given the situation I think you certainly acquitted yourself honourably and with concern for others and that is generally admirable. :)

[pphaneuf.livejournal.com]

More of the aura of Prudish Puss (tm), I'd say. ;-)

I've been in long term monogamous relationships, and I'm wacky now nonetheless!

I agree completely with the "what works for me might not for others". I start looking at a form or some other annoying government paperwork, cringing and whining, and azrhey comes along "ohh, forms! *squee!*". It's a simple thing, but it just really makes it sink solidly into my head, it's very concrete and obvious. :-)

[angorian.livejournal.com]

That is an awesome example. I love the picture I got in my head of her bouncing excitedly at the sight of forms.

I'm a bit confused about why people tend to assume I'm prudish (you're not the first). Is it just that I am fairly reserved and dress modestly ? (Though I know I tend to be less reserved in settings with a few people I know well)

[pphaneuf.livejournal.com]

I think it's mostly how reserved you are. The way you dress is not that modest (it's not exactly as flamboyant as what we sometimes see around here in Montreal, but still), and I've actually seen you light up a bit and be less reserved in a few occasions, but even though I know this at a conscious level, at a lower level, it sticks a bit. A bit strange, because prudish and reserved aren't one and the same.

[chickcurious.livejournal.com]

i feel awful about missing your call Pierre :( I fell asleep despite my efforts *hugs*

[pphaneuf.livejournal.com]

No worries, I felt awful having you try to stay up, so...

[amazonchicken.livejournal.com]

*hugs* you did the right thing.

[girlintheclouds.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[galialuna.livejournal.com]

:(
*many hugs*

[pphaneuf.livejournal.com]

Poupée. Oh, good. :-)

No, I just woke up, around 2pm, and I think I'll be busy the rest of the day, but maybe we could have coffee monday? Just tell me the time you finish or something, and I'll figure out the rest...

[pphaneuf.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm also trying to remember the names, and my memory just isn't so good, period! :-)

It was great meeting you too! As I said, I put the blame on you for cheering me up!