pphaneuf | Pondering what to do...

I mean to talk with some people during this trip. I'm not totally sure what I want to say yet, but I can feel I have something to say.

It's been said to me that if that favourite person was really trying to make it work with her boyfriend, she would push me away, so that the boyfriend wouldn't have any reason to be stupid about anything. That if she cared about me, she'd tell her boyfriend that this is how it is. Not saying she should dump him, far from it, I don't mind him, I mind him not knowing!

Maybe that's true. But I'm not sure what I want. I don't want her to push me away. I don't want to stir up the shit and break them up either. I'm okay with not going past a certain boundary, but I feel this boundary is quite unclear. I don't want to do something her boyfriend wouldn't consent to, but at the same time, I'm feeling that he's much too possessive and insecure, and might not even consent to me hanging out with her, for example. This is clearly (to me!) crazy.

I tried different boundaries. I tried "anything I would not mind telling him to his face". Hahaha. That was stupid. I'd rather tell him to his face! I have to restrain myself to not go and tell him everything

Another favourite person told me that if she was in my place, I "shouldn't do anything that I wouldn't like if I was her boyfriend". This one is obviously ridiculous, as pretty much the only thing I wouldn't like is be lied to, which is about the sum total of what is happening right now (okay, by omission rather than actively lying, if that makes anyone feel better).

So now, I'm going with "don't do anything that I would only do with someone I am in love with". Except that this is a ridiculous boundary, again. For better or for worse, I do love her, and what I only do with people I love is made of intangibles (the special respect, trust and caring, for example). I'm okay with casual sex with a friend, for example. I've kissed

blacksquiggles,

cutiecassa and even

musicdieu, for goodness sake!

I guess what I'm really doing is "whatever she's comfortable with", hoping she's got things well worked out with her boyfriend. Which I am under the impression that this is not the case at all. Wonderful.

So at this point, I'm starting to wonder if being pushed away (a boundary of "stay away!") isn't worth the clarity of it. That thought hurts me.

My plan, up to now (and I'm going to sleep on this, as well as travel more than 600 kilometers with the sole company of Timin), is to tell him how I feel about her, and just ask him what should be my boundary. I'm afraid I might not be getting much of an enlightened response out of this...