Introspection night!
Aug. 6th, 2005 05:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pphaneufI like waking up some people. It's rare I get to do it, with my sleep patterns, but I enjoy it when it happens.
Had a good time at![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
cpirate's Nitiversary yesterday. An odd even higher than usual number of moments where I noticed how my way of thinking is different than that of others.
The work week flew by incredibly quickly, but the friday was one of these marathon 16 hour days. Productivity severely tapers off toward the end, of course, particularly as I bounced ideas withcpirate and wlach, but managed to produce some good evilness. We went for a beer at Old Dublin after, which has rather loud, but sometimes deliciously odd music (for an irish pub). We left the place to the sound of Björk, which was awesome.
It's actually a cold night tonight. And I'll be alone in my bed, and I'm looking forward to it. I rarely miss having the bed for myself (the opposite is more common, yes!), but I do like it sometimes. Not that I haven't had it this week sometimes, but I don't know, tonight seems likes a stretch out in my bed kind of night. Or morning, as it may be, since I felt like doing groceries and driving around, and it is now ridiculously late (or amazingly early). Hmm, pierogies for dinner tomorrow!
Some thoughts I've simmered for a long time, and often find myself trying to explain in an inarticulate way, so I'll write them down and just point at this entry. :-)
How do people in exclusive relationships deal with being attracted to someone else, particularly when it's not just a physical kind of attraction, but that there really seems to be something? What's the agreement exactly in a "conventional relationship"? I understand that physical displays of affection would be off-limit and considered cheating, but what about the feelings? "I'm in love with this other guy, but I'm not cheating!", is that true? To me, the feelings would count at least as much, and I've let my exes get very close physically to some persons where there wasn't much attraction without flinching, and feeling cheated upon when seeing simple holding of hands where I felt this wasn't the case.
If you are with someone who expects you to love him/her exclusively, would you break up if you found yourself not doing so? Is it more fair and respectful to do so, as you would be effectively "cheating" by breaking what was more or less agreed upon? Or would that be unfair? Hmm, maybe it's unfair but respectful?
In my opinion, this is just a completely unreasonable request, and someone insisting on something so ludicrous as requiring me to have total control on my emotions (as opposed to acting or not upon them) would find themselves free to require this of someone else soon enough...
Had a good time at
cpirate's Nitiversary yesterday. An odd even higher than usual number of moments where I noticed how my way of thinking is different than that of others.The work week flew by incredibly quickly, but the friday was one of these marathon 16 hour days. Productivity severely tapers off toward the end, of course, particularly as I bounced ideas with
cpirate and wlach, but managed to produce some good evilness. We went for a beer at Old Dublin after, which has rather loud, but sometimes deliciously odd music (for an irish pub). We left the place to the sound of Björk, which was awesome.It's actually a cold night tonight. And I'll be alone in my bed, and I'm looking forward to it. I rarely miss having the bed for myself (the opposite is more common, yes!), but I do like it sometimes. Not that I haven't had it this week sometimes, but I don't know, tonight seems likes a stretch out in my bed kind of night. Or morning, as it may be, since I felt like doing groceries and driving around, and it is now ridiculously late (or amazingly early). Hmm, pierogies for dinner tomorrow!
Some thoughts I've simmered for a long time, and often find myself trying to explain in an inarticulate way, so I'll write them down and just point at this entry. :-)
How do people in exclusive relationships deal with being attracted to someone else, particularly when it's not just a physical kind of attraction, but that there really seems to be something? What's the agreement exactly in a "conventional relationship"? I understand that physical displays of affection would be off-limit and considered cheating, but what about the feelings? "I'm in love with this other guy, but I'm not cheating!", is that true? To me, the feelings would count at least as much, and I've let my exes get very close physically to some persons where there wasn't much attraction without flinching, and feeling cheated upon when seeing simple holding of hands where I felt this wasn't the case.
If you are with someone who expects you to love him/her exclusively, would you break up if you found yourself not doing so? Is it more fair and respectful to do so, as you would be effectively "cheating" by breaking what was more or less agreed upon? Or would that be unfair? Hmm, maybe it's unfair but respectful?
In my opinion, this is just a completely unreasonable request, and someone insisting on something so ludicrous as requiring me to have total control on my emotions (as opposed to acting or not upon them) would find themselves free to require this of someone else soon enough...
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no subject
Date: 2005-08-08 07:34 am (UTC)i think i am conflicted on the matter of monogammy. part of me desires it, because monogammy makes those involved feel "special". and who doesn't like to feel special? but on the other hand, if you feel something for someone else other than your partner, you might feel like you aren't being true to yourself and your emotions if you force yourself to ignore it; it may also cause one to feel guilty because if you "truly" love someone then you aren't supposed to have feelings for anyone else...
i have heard that we can't choose or control our emotions, but we can choose and control our actions. i agree that honesty and communication are the key.
something that bothers me about monogammy is that it seems to me that many people desire it because they want to feel special and have someone dote on them, and vice versa. i must admit, i like feeling special and making someone else feel special. but simultaneously, i am weary that a dependency might evolve that has the potential to become negative - that one *needs* a romantic partner to make them feel special and worthy of love, vs. having that within yourself - to love yourself and feel that you are special without depending on a romantic partner to tell you and make you feel that.
i dunno... i could go on, but i feel unable to articulate myself very well right now, and i'm not even sure if i've been clear up to this point.
i think the main reason why people feel jealous and desire exclusivity is because otherwise they would seem less special and less important, and because we have a desire to feel special and not just like everyone else (or just like a handful of others).
i also think mutuality (in terms of goals and aspirations, as well as feelings towards each other) is key in a successfull realtionship (if you're going for long term).
me, i like monogammy. but i'm not opposed to polyamoury (i think... hard for me to say for lack of personal experience). but i'd imagine it would all depend on the individual circumstances of any given situation.
no subject
Date: 2005-08-09 08:19 am (UTC)You touch a good point with the "need" for a romantic partner. I think that one should be able to make oneself happy, because no one else can "make" you happy. You need to love yourself, and be able to stand on your own, in order to be able to love and be loved. That's something that I think a lot of people are failing at. You don't die of it, but you can spend a pretty miserable time. Look around yourself, do you know that many people that are truly happy?
Those important people, somehow, they each have their own way of making me feel special. And as I've learned the harsh way, you can't replace someone, it's just... different.
The persons that I like, they could have some other people more or less easily. And they could, if they do wanted. There's no obligation, of any sort, not even their guilt pressing them to fulfill their socially accepted role. Yet, they are here, with me. Sometimes, you know, I think I feel even more special than when I was in exclusive relationships. And when you're being hugged from both sides by very special people, let me tell you that this could cause your special-o-meter to burst!
I find this weird, "going for long term". I'm not going for long term, I'm not going for short term. I'm here, NOW. It is how it is. This freedom works both ways. There isn't a big "cost" (being disallowed to see other people) of being with someone, so it work itself in more naturally. Then, you realize it's been that much time, and you're all surprised yourself. Heh.
Me, I'm an accepting fellow, but even if I've been there before, as time goes on I find it becomes harder and harder to understand exclusive people. Hence my call for help in this post, for something that came through as quite non-sensical and contradictory for me.