No one ever really leaves your life.

[pphaneuf]

Woke up to see a smile, then upon arriving at work today, was greeted by a smiling ayria, which is one of my favorite way to be greeted, quickly to be followed by an equally radiant musicdieu fondling me a bit. That was a good start to the day, and turns out I was going to need it. I missed those people, I'm very glad to have them around again!

Got to get a background track of hub_'s bitching about the horror of a certain number of things, cursing various hardware and software manufacturers abundantly. He's got a bitch of a job to do, so I understand.

Worked on one of these bugs where it's not really a complicated idea, but it has so many special cases, exceptions and corner cases that it get to be complicated anyway. Hate those, but I got it all figured out, I think. I saw some possible problems, but nothing serious, and all outside of the spec, so it should be all fine like this.

Remembered that I had mrwise's coop student evaluation form to fill in. Gah, I have no word to say how much I hate those. Stayed much later at work than I expected, going over corner cases, coming up with crap to fill in forms, etc...

I'm feeling this strange "depressed about some things, but happy about others" feeling again, and it might very have had to do with my staying late at the office. I didn't really have to, but had a hard time pushing myself out. Had plans of cooking myself some food and putting further order in my study, but ended up nibbling on a few things and being too late and tired.

I'm also having a very odd phase of dipping back into mourning denizsarikaya, starting maybe with a friend's unexpected electronic encounter with her and then my own. Then, going to Alpenhaus friday with azrhey, wasn't direct, but she obviously had many memories with Denzo there, and there were a few moments were something was said, and we just went silent... Sometime during the weekend, I found myself shedding a few tears. Today, ayria stopped and noticed the small memorial we have at work, which attracted my attention, and tied a bit of a knot in my stomach again. I hear echoes of her friends from all over, remembering her, wondering what happened, missing her...

I don't want to hide from my feelings, I like to wallow in them and feel them through, this is still quite manageable and I'm well surrounded/supported, but still, it is not the most enjoyable.

I'm looking very much forward to tomorrow's dinner at Old Dublin, as I'll have all of my very favorite people together, which has always been very happy and joyful moments in the past, and it has been a long time.

And here I am now, not going to bed. I'll go now.

Comments

[dcoombs.livejournal.com]

Everybody mourns in their own way, and it is rather common for feelings of grief to come back after weeks or months of thinking that you were all right. It happens, and it's not necessarily a "very odd phase"; don't find it unusual. Let it happen.

It sounds like you're not afraid of it, which is good.

[pphaneuf.livejournal.com]

Letting it happen is my intent. What I find odd is the synchronicity. I feeds on itself, probably, hearing about it from someone else reminded me, and so on, I suppose... I had to tell the whole story again this week, bleh.

[blacksquiggles.livejournal.com]

You have a lot to say today don't you? :)
Perhaps you were in too much shock to mourn properly back then... I always thinks it's good to feel these things...in theory...actually I try and avoid thinking about anyone I've lost, because I'm a wimp.

so, will we ever see you again? maybe not we, but I've certainly been forgotten about

[swestrup]

> but I've certainly been forgotten about

Pish Tush! Not true. I can't count the number of times I've been disappointed lately because I was going to some event, and found out you decided not to be there!

[blacksquiggles.livejournal.com]

I appreciate that :) truth is I only hear about things once they're over :(

Nancy is wonderful about extending invitations though :)

[pphaneuf.livejournal.com]

Back then, I was very busy almost all the time, but up to my neck in stuff related to her. It was kind of strange, yes.

I try hard to *not* avoid thinking about it. I'm surrounded by her all the time. There's her piano in my living room. Diva lives with me now. That long black coat I wear is hers. And this is just the obvious stuff, I have all these memories when I go to some places, and I don't avoid them. When I feel bad a lot, I'll be careful not to drink at all that day, to make sure I do not dull it (the next day might be another story, though!).

Will you see me? Of course! I've been contemplating meeting you up in your lair, recently, but various events kept me from doing so. I'd like to say this week, but I have to win this war against the junk in my study. :-)

But I will see you.

[blacksquiggles.livejournal.com]

*nods* I understand ..

btw, I AM mobile you know... I can leave my lair and come out occasionally ;)

is it possible someone you're around isn't fond of my company? Cause it seems that way :)

[pphaneuf.livejournal.com]

Ah, you are mobile! Well, as you may know, there's Old Dublin tonight at 6:30, and... musicdieu will be there! Now, if you're not coming after that, I don't know what to say. :-)

Someone around me not fond of your company? I don't think so, because there are very few people around me these days. I haven't been seeing much of thebabynancy or hub_ (outside of work) even... I plan on having this fixed, as I said.

[azrhey.livejournal.com]

he said it already,

but.. Old Dub 18:30 !

and I haven't seen much of you lately either.

It needs to be fixed, hell there is a ton of stuff that i have classified as "should talk about it with Adria next time I see her" thing. And there hasn't been a next time yet. ( and before you panic, it is only need of your proffessional opinion! nothing bad )

Say you will come tonight ?