My reintroduction into society

"I am denial, guilt and fear -- and I control you" — Nine Inch Nails, Mr Self-Destruct

I am sorry for the long post, but I did not have the time to make it shorter.

First thing, my reading of The Ethical Slut resonated at at surprisingly deep level with me. nancyrihakova recommended the book to me (thanks a lot!), probably because I was on a collision course with non-monogamous issues, and I thought "well, I went through some pretty strange experiences, and I'm not sure this is very sane, but I'd better know what the heck I'm getting into".

Heh, what did I know... Mark me down as an apprentice slut. :-)

I understand that being non-monogamous is a lot more work ("insane levels of communication" are required, as I'm told, among other things), but you have to remember also the extra work of being monogamous: the pressure of finding the right person, deciding on whether to keep working on that relationship or give up, resisting external temptations, etc... Being happy is nothing to sneer at, and I think that being happy is worth the extra work. We'll see how this works out in time.

So this book is on it's way to reach my very short list of life-changing books I've read. For the terminally curious, they are the Jargon File (I'm even credited in the dead tree version!) and Gödel, Escher, Bach: an Eternal Golden Braid (referred to as "GEB").

It is amazing how they are tied together in an amazing way. The Jargon File revealed to me who I was, a hacker (in the meaning described by the File). This is where I picked up the recommendation for GEB, which deal with self-reference a lot.

I realized I was a hacker when I read the A Portrait of J. Random Hacker appendix and found myself reading about myself. For example, people who know me will read this and see exactly what I mean. But there were (only!) two things I didn't see myself fitting in: food and sexual habits. I didn't like asian food much and while open to the idea of non-monogamous relationships, I didn't really see myself be into this.

Turns out at that time, I just never had good asian food, and I'm now onboard. And, even before that (surprisingly!), I got myself involved in a non-monogamous relationship.

The self-references don't stop there! Words like grok, that are in common usage in the hacker community I had found myself to be a member of (albeit disconnected), turns out to originate from nothing else than "Stranger in a Strange Land", the Robert Heinlein novel which is thought by some to have inspired the polyamorous community a whole lot. This is just too weird to be completely coincidental.

So we're back full circle to polyamory. For various reasons that are mine, I have made the conscious choice to remain single for a while. I have also made the conscious choice not to be dead. I decided not to join any religious order (especially not the self-flagellating kind!) and not to make any vow of abstinence either.

But it's not all so easy, of course.

In the loving relationship department (which here doesn't necessarily means being "in love" in the common sense, but rather cover a large area), I have been in a deep, deep slumber that I am just waking up from. Some people, like nancyrihakova and kyotto have been poking at me to wake me up. I am fighting psychological chains I had bound myself with for so long, this is not easy.

One person I'm interested in to some level and I know is poly (so I avoid a whole lot of weird introduction issues), I had blocked off for myself in a time where I thought I needed to be completely alone. But blocking off is stupid, feeling your feelings is the only sane way, so what do you know, I snapped in a big way. Now that I've reclaimed my sanity, I'm finding that my blocking off isn't so easy to get out of. I find myself wanting to hold her in my arms, and instead find myself shyly caressing her knee with the very tip of my fingers. I find myself getting better (I managed to beat my mind into letting me put my arm around her, stupid mind!), but I see that I've crafted myself some very strong chains to bind myself into. How stupid of me, I know, but that's through experience that you learn, I suppose.

Then there's another person who I find myself more at ease around and manage to be able to be flirtatious with her, but I end up hitting a wall where I don't want to go any further. Why? Well, I don't think she is poly, and I'm just blocked at how to communicate this to her (astute readers might notice the self-referential situation again, on multiple levels too). I don't want her (or anyone else!) to be my girlfriend, not now. I just want to spend a good time and share some affection and love (again, don't stick to the obvious meaning). It's this whole thing of communicating my "I'm not so good at monogamous relationships" thing. And I can feel her being fragile in other ways, and I am not the most experienced at this.

The stupidest part is that I'm not even interested in outright sex right now! I'm just waking up now, I haven't kissed a new girl in ages! I'm feeling a bit fragile, I just want to hold someone, kiss her maybe, that's all...

I suppose this will change, but having this much problems with something this small, I find annoying. I feel it might be simpler to just go and aim for a one night stand, but it's just not what I want. I've spent all of my love life with only two different persons, developing extreme intimity before getting there. I'm all for reconsidering the things I've taken for given in my life, but not all at once!

Sometimes, I wish the handkerchiefs sometimes used in the gay community would be a society wide thing, where you could just go and check out someone and see that he or she really wouldn't be into what you want, or the opposite, that you could just go ahead.

This post might seem a bit depressing in parts, but I would like to make it clear this is not the message I am trying to transmit. I have not felt this happy and free in a very long time, possibly more than 15 years, so there is obviously some good stuff going on. Even when I'm lamenting stuff, I find myself smiling in between the cringings, heh!

Maybe things will work out with both of these nifty girls, maybe just one, maybe nancyrihakova will tie me down to a (bed?) post with someone else she'd like to hook me up with, maybe none will work out and I'll be following the ways of musicdieu, who knows?

"If the future isn't bright, at least it's colorful" — Einstürzende Neubauten, Youme & Meyou

Bleurgh!

Wow, talk about coughing up a hairball!

I still listen to a whole damn lot of Einstürzende Neubauten, yes. Some might say too much, but I say they don't know what they're missing. I've actually been swinging around things like A Perfect Circle, Joy Division, Björk, Bauhaus, Haujobb and Radiohead, among others.

But the Neubauten stuff is so good, it's ridiculous. I haven't felt like this about a band since back when I listened to Nine Inch Nails in the early 90's (yeah, before "The Downward Spiral", although I remember fondly going to the tour stop in Montréal for this album).

There's that stupid company meeting tomorrow morning, I shall go to bed now...