pphaneuf | Thinking too much (again)

I'm in this confusing state where I'm happy to be reunited with someone I missed, but find myself wishing for things I have no rights over or to even expect. The clash between how I think/feel personally and how some other people think/feel is rarely that obvious, and it makes for a cacophonic dissonance in my mind. Why can't we be all happy? Above all, I hate the lie, the obfuscation, the hiding. It's not all of my own doing, but then, I'm helping someone I love be in this terrible position. How is that loving someone, exactly? And other people I care about, I'm very much afraid they won't be too impressed with my behaviour (because, damn it, I'm not hiding any more).

After talking a bit, then talking some more with another person and mulling it over by myself, I think I know what to do, though. I still love her, you don't get to choose that, but I'll back down my boundaries even further (like it should have been in the first place?). I'll be there for her, just like she's there for me, and we'll just have a good time, like we bloody should. I'm not really distancing myself (I'm a rather touchy-feely type of person, even with my non-lover girl friends, so it's a damn blurry line), but even if I am, she knows how to get in touch. I'm right here.

I think of lying in bed
I shouldn’t have said
But there it is
— ELP, From the beginning

Also, because that's obviously too good of a day, had a rather bad time with my ex-girlfriend. I won't go into too much details online, but she's pretty much told me to forget about her, and while I don't have bad feelings toward her, I think I want the least possible to do with her, at least for a while. Oh yeah, it's pretty much set that I won't be getting Athena. I'll miss her.

Huge thanks to the people who have been putting up with me talking about this crap, or putting up with the crap itself.

On a lighter note, the 107 bus rocks. At 1am, anyway, when there's almost no traffic, it takes the same time to go home as taking the metro, and it goes for longer in the night than the metro (especially on saturday nights). Awesome.

Tomorrow, breakfast and some skating with