Just a shadow

[pphaneuf]

Had fun yesterday at Old Dublin, but it's seems like it's just rubbing something in my face. Until I leave for France, I'm just a shadow here.

There's nothing I can build here, everything is oh so very temporary. I'm not one to feel like things have permanence, but this is mere months. I know some people and would like to know them even better? Well, that's too bad.

It's very hard not to get the impression that I'm wasting my time with people, and to me, this is terrible. And then I panic, and I go crazy. I go and actually waste my time, going off and compulsively building up friendships with entirely new people, leading me to neglect existing friendships, since my time is so limited. I mean, those people, they're nice people and all, but really, can I afford this? I just totally lose track of priorities and wander off. What an idiot I make.

I feel like I'm already gone, but that I'm not anywhere yet. And when I get there, it'll take time to build myself back up.

To make things even better, it seems like I just feel so damned much these days. Both the good, and the bad. And when it's good, it often turns to bad when I remember I'm leaving. I remember days past, where I wouldn't feel so much, and as I've said before, I wouldn't go back to that. But, damn, this is a lot of feeling.

But I'll be fine, I know it. I just need to hang in there, and I'll be good, in the end. I'll make it good myself.

Comments

[azrhey.livejournal.com]

indeed. I trust you will.
:)

[azrhey.livejournal.com]

I agree, but I think it is the question of making new friends.
Good standing friendship could endure, but should we ( yeah yeah same boat, different deck ) dedicate time and effort into nurturing new friendships to life with people we have seen once 5 minutes last summer? Or instead spend this precious time left with good standing closer friends and enjoy the laid back comfortable time we share?



and *hugs* to you. Feeling a tad bit better I hope.

[denkizero.livejournal.com]

I can relate somewhat, I was supposed to leave for Bordeaux a while ago and was a shadow for 4-5 months, saying my goodbyes to everything if you will. Not so much depressing as making me really melancholic over things that hadn't happened yet.

And then, shit hit the fan, and I stayed here.
0_0

But the point to me is, to overuse clichés, the only thing that matters is that you live everything as fully as you can.

[cpirate.livejournal.com]

You're talking like you're going on some sort of one-way space voyage to Alpha Centauri or something. As someone who's packed up and moved far away several times, I have two major regrets:

1. I wish I'd done a better job of getting to know people in the months leading up to leaving; I'd often tend do just give up and not bother talking to new people (this was partly just an excuse for not wanting to talk to new people in general). Some of them were awesome and I wish I'd gotten to know them better.

2. I wish I'd done a better job of keeping in touch with people who I've moved away from. I've kept in touch with a good few people from when I left university, but there were a lot of other people along the way who I've totally lost touch with.

So my suggestion is that you keep on meeting new people, if that suits your fancy, and that you make sure to keep in touch somehow when you've moved away. At least you've got LJ available to you; it's amazing for keeping in touch with distant friends. It hurts my brain to think about how different my life would be if LJ had existed in 1997.

[sailorfrag.livejournal.com]

As a co-op, I've been feeling a lot like that continuously for 3 years now (3 years ago, I was still in high school, but knew I was going to another city for university in less than 6 months).

Some terms, I've been totally asocial, spending time on IRC. Usually I made weak connections with those immediately around me, but didn't really get too close to anyone I knew wasn't going to be nearby in the future (either on-stream, or on co-op in the same city). It's the natural response, I think.

After my experiences last term, I think that being really close to people is the right way to go (making the most of the time available) although it does make it really hard when the time to go arrives. You can still stay in touch though... this is quite a well-connected world these days.

It looks like you're seeing the conflict between the natural response and what you feel is probably actually right. Do what you think is right... what's the worst that can happen, anyway? :-)

[azrhey.livejournal.com]

yeah, I personally have no problem with that, I am not one to care much about have throngs of people aroudn me, I prefer a few good people I feel comfortable with and connected too.

[pphaneuf.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's more or less the plan. I'll enjoy my time as much as I can.

But that's the bastard thing with feelings: they come, they go, whenever they feel like. And now I have a cloud over my head, it seems. It'll pass.

[girlintheclouds.livejournal.com]

i shall answer your delimma with a few snippets quoted from a song!

"there is no future, there is no past"
"There's only us, There's only this, Forget regret or Life is yours to miss"
"No other road, no other way, No day but today"

:)

[iangurudata.livejournal.com]

You enjoy the struggle of the balance.
Live and cherish each moment with the close friends for everything that they are. Hold them to your heart as additional memories to make each one even more special.
Allow the new friendships to flourish, aknowledging that there is nothing to be lost, and only the stronger hearts to gain.

Then again, I might be biased ;)

[gregorama.livejournal.com]

So where does that leave me? Sort of an old friend and sort of a new friend at the same time.
Even when you're off in France I'd still enjoy our discussions and goofiness.

[elliptic-curve.livejournal.com]

So...when are you leaving?

Will I get to see you before you leave?

[pphaneuf.livejournal.com]

Well, when are you coming back? :-P

It's looking like sometimes in June, for the moment. There's a non-zero chance it might get pulled to May, but not too likely.

[azrhey.livejournal.com]

I solved that problem by sorting people into three groups:
( in no particular order ) :

Close friends
Acquaintances
People who drop their pants

[pphaneuf.livejournal.com]

Okay, so I don't think I'm an acquaintance. But am I a close friend or a person who drop their pants? There could be overlap, there.

[gregorama.livejournal.com]

The way you simplify things is just beautiful!

Down with pants!!! :-)