pphaneuf: (Default)
I really should write more, be it here, or elsewhere, no matter. I should be saying more about myself, not really because people need to know (well, ok, some people do!), I used to be so public and saying everything to the four winds, and now I feel a bit closed and inaccessible. I'm not sure why it turned out that way, but I have some good ideas, and they're all bad ones.

Maybe it shouldn't be as much as it used to be, that there's a happy middle to be reached. But this nothing, it's just another extreme. It's also not so much for my "readership" as for myself, more of a personal diary than a regular kind of blog, it's only public because of some strange personal convictions of mine, not because I'm trying to draft an audience. Would there be nobody reading this, it still would accomplish its goals.

For that reason, I'm thinking of separating this journal into a bunch of distinct ones (well, two, at the very least). I have some technical postings that I would actually like to disseminate more widely, and for which a readership of zero is a bit of a failure, and for those, the personal posts are just so much drivel to skip over. I also suspect the converse is true of those few who actually follow my personal posts, too!

That also gets me thinking about the people who are deleting their accounts on LiveJournal. I'm not sure I understand. Why don't they just not write (see, I was doing an excellent demonstration of that!)? This way, you can still read restricted posts, comment (and get notifications), etc... I can understand making all their posts private, or maybe even deleting them (although the archivist in me finds the information attrition saddening), turning off all the email notifications, but deleting the account? What's the harm in having the account at all?

In the meantime... I dreamt I was cheating on [livejournal.com profile] azrhey, just a simple kiss (not even a sloppy snog!), but something I knew full well I wasn't supposed to do, which I told her in the dream (waking up right after that), but I just felt tremendously uncomfortable, even when I woke up, I was feeling it, being all confused... Eurgh.
pphaneuf: (Enlightened)
A little while ago (okay, okay, that was in November!), I went to see Me, Mom & Morgentaler at the Club Soda with [livejournal.com profile] gregorama and [livejournal.com profile] tygrbabe. Oh my goodness, the energy! They did pretty well, for a bunch of fat people in their fourties. ;-)

On top of the sheer awesomeness of it, this was a rather significant event for me on so many fronts. To this day, I still remember parts of an evening I spent in St-Hyacinthe's downtown, on the sidewalk in front of one of the venues there, where I watched this band of insane people jumping around on the stage, being so completely and madly happy. That was sixteen years ago, and since then, lots happened, of course, and I didn't really expect to see them.

In fact, I didn't really even expect as much as to be able to pick up their CD, until that evening where [livejournal.com profile] tygrbabe and I wandered from one used records store to the next (and to the next, and to the next, etc!), and we found it! Actually, she had found it, and managed to snatch it away in front of my eyes, but it turned out all right, as she gave it to me as a farewell gift, before I left for France. That was eighteen months ago, and since then, well, lots happened (ok, well, not nearly as much as in the sixteen years before, but still!)...

Among other things, we broke up, and frankly, while I try to see the nuances and not think in terms of black and white, a pretty ridiculously significant share of this disaster was on my shoulders. People weren't around to see it, but it was a massive breakdown, including talks of breaking up with [livejournal.com profile] azhrey as well, for a bit. I've come out of this rather scarred and traumatized, and I'm surprised I didn't just lose it (or maybe I did?). After this, I was still thinking that non-exclusive relationships could work, but I was seriously questioning my ability to do it myself, and considering how much happier my life has been since I accepted this aspect of myself, this was some hard core introspection. Let's just say that the daily ride on the commuter train was sometimes very thoughtful. I have been, and still am, to a degree, ashamed of the all pain I've caused to the people who I wanted to hurt the least.

I finally figured that maybe I wasn't doomed to failure, if only I could manage to learn from my mistakes.
pphaneuf: (Sleepy Head)
Je suis allé aux feux d'artifice du Canada hier, à l'International des Feux. À part une ratée qui a interrompu les feux, c'était pas mal! Après un moment sans feux, j'ai démonté mon trépied, mais j'aurais dû écouter la Grande Roue (qui éteint ses lumières pendant les feux, mais ne s'était pas ré-illuminée). Oh well.


Vue d'un quai du Vieux-Port

Mais ce billet n'est pas à propos des feux.

Je n'avais jamais réalisée combien la ligne d'horizon de Montréal m'était familière et précieuse. J'aime bien marcher sous le Pont Jacques-Cartier et être recouvert d'un "ciel" d'acier et de béton. C'est gros, c'est certain, mais ce n'est pas trop gros, c'est juste assez. Je suis allé à Chicago, l'échelle impossible de la Sears Tower par exemple, auquel la plus haute tour dans la photo ci-dessus ferait figure de naine. À Toulouse, il n'y avait que St-Sernin, quelques autres clochers et ces grues de construction, qui n'ont rien du 1000 De La Gauchetière ou du 1250 René-Lévesque.

C'est clair, j'y ai habité longtemps, mais il n'y a pas que ça. Je me rappelle de la première fois que je suis allé sur la rue St-Denis (pour aller au Valet d'Coeur, ça doit bien faire quinze ans!), et que je m'y était senti chez moi immédiatement.

C'est la deuxième ville francophone au monde après Paris, mais la plupart des gens que j'ai connus qui ont habité à Paris sont contents de ne plus y habiter. C'est sûr, il y en a quelques uns qui aiment, mais ouf, certain de mes anciens collègues changeaient de couleur juste à évoquer le sujet! Dans le cas de Montréal, ceux qui n'y sont plus regrettent de ne plus y être, et beaucoup de mes anciens collègues de travail qui y sont venus parce pour y faire un stage en sont tombé en amour. Il fallait qu'ils habitent à Montréal, c'était comme ça, c'est tout!

Toulouse a ses attraits, définitivement, mais Montréal m'émerveille toujours, après tout ce temps, comment une si grande ville arrive à faire sentir à ses habitants une telle appartenance, qui fait penser aux habitants d'une petite commune. C'est plus comme un grand village, avec des gratte-ciels...
pphaneuf: (Default)
Big surprise, I'm depressed some more. It's difficult to pinpoint any one source, but there's this general feeling of insurmountable inertia that would put the biggest and heaviest icebreaker to shame. It's in the heavy bureaucracy, the attitude of people, the ever-present ads for insurance company, the traditionalist attitude, the enforced politeness, the overbearing smell of fear of change in the air. And here I am, an agent of chaos, of movement, valuing high manoeuvrability and careful instability, in this environment that more or less wants me to stop existing as I am.

I'm the most "normal" I've ever been, even as a child, and yet, I feel like I'm a complete weirdo. I used to take trips hundreds kilometres away at a whim, and now the most spontaneity I get to express is getting up to get some pudding from the fridge.
pphaneuf: (Sleepy Head)
Was in a bit of a funk Sunday and Monday. Monday morning, I could hardly scrape myself off the bed, and I'm talking "relatively to my usual", so it's a miracle I even reached work. Which I didn't stay at for too long, wasn't feeling good at all (had a meeting in the afternoon, which I felt was the longest of my life, and took off right after). But upon getting home, got progressively better, and by the time I went to bed, seemed the be all right. Was much easier to get up the following days, and not feeling like crap.

There was nothing big in particular to cause this, I think annoying stuff was just piling on, and just reached a point where it was too much. Heck, I haven't seen most of my friends for three months now!

But I know that sensation, of not wanting to do anything, of not taking good care of myself, of not being able to gather interest in anything... Good old depression. Bleh.

So I'm trying to be pro-active and not let myself fall into that trap. Take care of myself, find my issues and get them solved, and keep an eye on myself... I'll try to write more here, as it often helps me pinpointing my issues (thanks for suffering through that drivel, for those still reading!).

On another note, the battery in my laptop was on Apple's list of "might explode at any moment", so I have to keep my laptop plugged in at all time until I receive the replacement battery. This is most inconvenient, as I now have the train pass which allows me to do most of my commute by train, having about 20-25 minutes of time on the train. I could totally catch up on my feeds and stuff, but I have to leave my laptop at home. Boo!
pphaneuf: (Sleepy Head)
Whew, haven't written in about two weeks. Which is well known to be silly (in my case, it's usually when there's bad shit going on). I won't go into the details of a day-to-day coverage, that'd just be too much to write (and to read!). It's not just bad shit, thankfully, there's also very good stuff, but I've just been insanely busy, I didn't want to write without covering the bad stuff at all and just skip it... So here we are!

I struggled with some uncharacteristically large amounts of drama in my love life, mainly because I'm a blubbering idiot at times. No, don't anyone argue. I am, sometimes, and that's that. I might mean good, but that's not enough to do good. My shiny white armour isn't looking too pretty. Still, I go on. Mistakes where one doesn't learn are the only real failures, I think.

Other than that, there has been all sorts of things, both good and bad... She Wants Revenge, delicious dinner at [livejournal.com profile] sfllaw, dental work (complete with temporary damage to my nervous system!), water heater going dead, Easter dinners, lazy mornings, early mornings, movies, rusty water sprayed all over my kitchen, flamenco, hot water back on, Ikea, pantslessness, various anniversaries, hot water and heating going dead, packing, cleaning...

I was having a bit of a case of the "blah" yesterday that I couldn't really identify (maybe it was just the doing dishes or cleaning the bathtub with cold water? these are things I don't like doing even with hot water, so...), but I'm much better this morning, despite a rather cold night. The lady [livejournal.com profile] azrhey might disagree, but apparently, being cold is healthier for you, they say? Oh well!
pphaneuf: (Sleepy Head)
What's in a name? On the use and abuse of labels...

Read more... )
pphaneuf: (Sleepy Head)
A short, easy one for today. On lying, hiding, cheating and other dishonesty.

Read more... )
pphaneuf: (Sleepy Head)
To make a quick summary, cognitive dissonance is a state of perceived inconsistency between two (or more) elements of knowledge, attitude, emotion, belief, value, goal, plan or interest. In geeky sci-fi, you'll sometimes see artificial intelligence complain that it "does not compute" when they experience one (whiners!).

Read more... )
pphaneuf: (Sleepy Head)
So, you want to smile stupidly all day (heh, funny, this just appeared, LOL!), just like me? Here's the first trick I found.

Read more... )
pphaneuf: (Sleepy Head)
I've been meaning to discuss some aspects of my way of life, for quite some time now. This isn't an attempt at explaining myself, in the sense of apologizing, far from it, but rather in the sense of trying to make more sense, both to myself, and to others. Having to delve into this and write it down forces me to think about it, and might inspire others to give me further bits of wisdom. It might also cut down on the number of explanations I have to provide, by allowing me to point at the appropriate posts (heh!). As always, the disclaimer applies, more than ever before, I think. Let's start with something simple (or at least, should be)...

Read more... )
pphaneuf: (Sleepy Head)
Had fun yesterday at Old Dublin, but it's seems like it's just rubbing something in my face. Until I leave for France, I'm just a shadow here.

There's nothing I can build here, everything is oh so very temporary. I'm not one to feel like things have permanence, but this is mere months. I know some people and would like to know them even better? Well, that's too bad.

It's very hard not to get the impression that I'm wasting my time with people, and to me, this is terrible. And then I panic, and I go crazy. I go and actually waste my time, going off and compulsively building up friendships with entirely new people, leading me to neglect existing friendships, since my time is so limited. I mean, those people, they're nice people and all, but really, can I afford this? I just totally lose track of priorities and wander off. What an idiot I make.

I feel like I'm already gone, but that I'm not anywhere yet. And when I get there, it'll take time to build myself back up.

To make things even better, it seems like I just feel so damned much these days. Both the good, and the bad. And when it's good, it often turns to bad when I remember I'm leaving. I remember days past, where I wouldn't feel so much, and as I've said before, I wouldn't go back to that. But, damn, this is a lot of feeling.

But I'll be fine, I know it. I just need to hang in there, and I'll be good, in the end. I'll make it good myself.

I'm so emo.

Mar. 6th, 2006 08:44 pm
pphaneuf: (Sleepy Head)
While it's pretty well established that I am not a romantic type of person, on the other hand, bloody hell am I sentimental.

I had just left the office, and as I was listening to Ein leichtes leises Säuseln (thanks to [livejournal.com profile] azrhey for lending me her music player while mine is broken!), I was looking at the sky, the lights and the city. It felt alive, right before me, it actually ripped a few tears out of me. I wanted to walk home, to experience the full thing, but my leg hurts a bit still, didn't want to strain it, so I took the metro to Lionel-Groulx and walked the last part.

Of course, that just stirred more emotions and memories. Retracing steps I had once taken with someone. As I approached the pedestrian bridge near Atwater Market, Jean Leloup's cover of "Wish You Were Here" came up. This was exactly at the intersection of what I was feeling. I just stopped in a certain spot of that bridge, and stared out.

Wow, what a wild ride my life is, it's great!

Ironic thing of the day: last Friday, while I was seeing a girl, [livejournal.com profile] azrhey was alone at home (where she knitted me an awesome scarf!) because it didn't work out seeing a boy. Tonight, she's seeing the boy, but it didn't work out with the girl I was supposed to see, so it's my turn being at home. Hehe! I'll be doing some of that cleaning up my apartment thing (seriously, there's like an inch of cat hair on the couch! argh!). [livejournal.com profile] azrhey was just telling me not to take that girl back to my place, but go to her place instead, LOL! So thoughtful of you, lady [livejournal.com profile] azrhey. :-)

Ponderings

Mar. 3rd, 2006 03:33 am
pphaneuf: (Sleepy Head)
A weird day, on some number of levels.

Productivity today was just plain horrible, no two ways around it. My biggest achievement was some deep wizardry architecture decision (edge versus level based event notification, for those morbidly curious) with apenwarr. He said it was quite weird to be discussing code again, poor him.

I was also just completely fluff-headed. I was heading to the French Consulate, and didn't even know what to ask. I tried organizing a gaming evening by sending an email that only specified that it was Saturday, at my place, without saying which Saturday, how to get at my place or any number of other things needed for proper invitations. The cherry on top was when I was about to totally side-line [livejournal.com profile] azrhey for the evening (which would have been a horrible mistake, as it was a great time!). I've always been somewhat the forgetful, distracted type, which can be charming, but today was just too much.

With this fluff-headedness, sometimes I wonder if I could ever really pull off having more than one lover. I mean, some days, I wonder how I can pull off having just one. Ah, yes, I remember how. I'm crazy. As we say, you don't have to be crazy, but it helps! I note that most of my experiences are with liking a girl that likes other boys too.

While discussing things with [livejournal.com profile] azrhey, I mentioned some mistakes I have made in the past with another favourite person. Just at the mention of those, I felt my body temperature and blood pressure rise, sweating a bit. Wow, that's quite some impact, getting a physical reaction immediately! Never again.

I've been pondering also how "easy" I am. I hang out for someone just a little bit, and I get attracted pretty easily. I was trying to see if there was any deeper meaning to this, am I just some kind of dirty womanizer or something, but I think it's pretty explainable with two things. First, you can evaluate basic physical attractiveness pretty quickly. You see someone, and you can tell "hey, she's hot", it takes no time at all. Second, I've become very attuned to what I feel and will avoid denial as much as I can. Result? I see a hot girl in the metro, and I go *hurr*. Well done! I'm not entirely sure that's what girls are looking for when they say they want a "sensitive boy", LOL!

But my favourite people, they get there the hard way, learning to know them. Heck, they didn't even attract my eye much more than a "oh, she's cute or pretty" at first. I found [livejournal.com profile] denizsarikaya annoying at first. [livejournal.com profile] ayria pretty much slipped under the radar for a good while before I talked to her. [livejournal.com profile] azrhey scared me at first. And they've all eventually won me over. I still get butterflies for all three, on occasions! Oh, women, what have you done to me? Well, you can keep on doing it, it's quite all right! :-)

Once more, there was surprise at what constitutes "my type of girl". Yep, the punk one too. *shakes head*

Tomorrow, computer fixing and hanging out at [livejournal.com profile] ryss_rhiannon's. Bed now, if I ever want to get there!
pphaneuf: (Sleepy Head)
Whoa, in danger of falling behind, with all sorts of interesting things happening!

I skipped writing about this for a few days, as I didn't want to be in a rush doing so, but come on, it's Wednesday now! Monday, as I arrived back home, I chatted up a fine individual on IM, and we ended up meeting for a beer or two. It was most enlightening. It's kind of annoying, because I'd like to hang out for other reasons (like having plain old fun with silly video games or Godzilla movies, for example!), but I'm all for communication, clarification and disambiguation, so I did want to have one of these talks sooner or later, just didn't expect it to be too soon (more on this, keep in mind this is all my side of things, pure opinion piece).

Read more... )

He's a good man. I think we're all pretty lucky, all things considered. We all know some pretty awesome people (hey, I got to flatter my own ego a bit, no?).

Should I be sad about some of that? Meh, I'm too busy to be sad, I've got a movie to go to with a nice girl. :-P
pphaneuf: (Sleepy Head)
There's more to the following entry, but I like to get the emotional stuff out "while it's hot". My additions to the great book of history can wait until tomorrow!

Had a marvellous time today. Cuddles with my favourite person, then back the next morning, coming back to cook ourselves what seemed like a huge breakfast. Very enjoyable talk, hugs, cuddles, more hugs, the works. I'm going to get a cramp of the cheeks one of these days! Things were extremely simpler than they've been before (although not entirely simple, because, you know, we're weird like that!), which was absolutely refreshing.

The only thing that dulled my shininess some was parting time. I am terrible at those, particularly as there's a (smallish, but not insignificant) chance that this will be the last time I see her before I leave for Europe, and then, who knows? But I know the difference between "au revoir" and "adieu" very well, thank you. My feelings seem to be rather enduring, as I discovered not so long ago, when I saw the first girl I was in love with, something like 10 years after the last time I had seen her, and my heart twinged at me quite noticeably. Both nice and annoying, isn't it? Oh well!

Weird, my relationship with her. Yeah, I think that's the right word. I can definitely feel (note the "I" at the beginning of this sentence, and the lack of "know", if you want to know, you know where to ask, and it's not here!) that I'm in a small pile of loved ones (which, um, I can relate to very well!), but I'm also definitely not at the top of that pile (that spot seems to be occupied by a fine individual, so I do not feel slighted in the least), which has for consequence that I miss out on a few benefits. That's okay, I'm not the competitive type and I'm content in keeping the benefits I have now. There was one hug, in particular, which was almost overwhelmingly felt, it was amazing! Shiny, shiny me. :-)

I used the words "I love you" in writing for the first time in, hmm, 2 or 3 years now? Was kind of odd (I'm very sparing in my direct use of those words), but hey, I meant it.

So I was driving out of Waterloo, and I had this odd feeling in my guts... Couldn't decide if it was good or if it was bad. Not too horrible, even pleasant at times, but when it faded, about 300 kilometres later, I can't say I wasn't relieved. Still, nothing to do with what I had in my guts the last time I drove back from there alone, which was just nasty, and took nearly 24 hours to fade away. Eww, that wasn't fun. Let's not do this again, shall we?

Arrived safely, now I'm in my bed, by myself (okay, well, there's also the Diva along my legs!). At the moment, if it's not going to be that favourite person, then it's exactly how I want my bed to be populated. No making-do around here, if you're ever in this bed, rest assured you're the only one wanted there.

Now, I'm having another feeling in my guts, but I know this one much better: I didn't eat since that crazy breakfast! Yeah, I think I'll have a bite... :-P
pphaneuf: (No Dignity)
Had a pretty confused Friday evening after work with [livejournal.com profile] azrhey, trying to find some decent food (I ended up eating Subway, that tells you how successful that was!), trying to go watch Underworld: Evolution but failing that too (hey, look at that, it's opening tonight, on a Friday night, surprise!). Ended up getting a few DVDs and curling up at home, watching Virtuosity.

Saturday was about cleaning up my rather neglected apartment, which was some success. Got some good help, which is much appreciated!

After stuffing my face with some delicious Romados chicken, I headed over to [livejournal.com profile] lola_joan's birthday party. Her flat is just so awesome, I'm quite jealous! Met a bunch of new people, finally had some of [livejournal.com profile] jul3z's now infamous jello shots, and so did [livejournal.com profile] archdiva:


See the rest of the gallery


On the negative side, I did feel a bit like a party crasher. Admittedly, I do not know [livejournal.com profile] lola_joan all that well. But I try to go out and meet people, and she's one of those people that I see electronically all the time, but never get to see much of in real life. Thanks to a subtle combination being shy and feeling like an idiot, didn't even talk to her much. Well done.

Felt like walking and quieter company a bit, so I walked [livejournal.com profile] moonlightjoy to her place. Was nice chatting with her, seeing that being a girl isn't even nearly enough to understand them is kind of reassuring, in a weird way. I found myself getting a bit emotional after I walked back to my place via Green, crossing the Lionel-Groulx park. My memory is most easily triggered visually, and it triggered some crud that was laying around, apparently. Enough that I'd stop walking and just look around to wallow in it for a bit. Got through it, and curled up in bed with the Diva. :-)
pphaneuf: (Default)
Ahh, seems like I've been tagged by the über-evil [livejournal.com profile] grimmwire with a meme!

Five of my guilty pleasures? I used to guilt a lot about a lot of things, but few of those were pleasurable. I try not to guilt much, and if someone tries to guilt me about something I find gives me pleasure, I will be quick to give them the finger. But there's got to be some things, isn't there?
  1. Using super-nifty tricks in my code to needlessly improve performance. When was the last time you used sendfile? I wrote my own "faster" version of cat with it!
  2. Teenage movies. I like Empire Records, all right? Now, shut up.
  3. Sex. I stumble all the time, I don't really feel like I'm much good at it (I'm certainly adequate, but that's about it), nor am I really fancy at it, but I like it. Lots of people tell me I should feel guilty about it, so I figure it ought to be in that list.
  4. Driving. Not only am I helping destroy the environment for the children I'm not planning to have, but it sometimes look like I'm trying to take out a few of my contemporaries in the process sometimes (that part isn't really true).
  5. Those things I do all the time but that [livejournal.com profile] azrhey keeps telling me that you can't do. Check it out, I'm doing them! HAHAHA! I suppose I'm supposed to feel guilty about that too, right?
But all evil that you might be, [livejournal.com profile] grimmwire, I shall stop the madness and not tag anyone!
pphaneuf: (Default)
Crazy day, tried wonderfully interesting software optimizations, which turned out to nothing (or almost). Oh well, you win some, you lose some.

Came back in the snow tonight, very late, to a quiet city. Took the night bus. I could physically feel the memories.

I'm missing some people terribly, and not just the usual suspects (although I do!).

I'm having this theory that people should sleep with their friends more. Not necessarily have sex, just, you know, go to bed together. There's something about just sleeping with someone, where you fade off into sleep together, and wake up together. Preferably in the same bed, but I'd say the minimum would be to be in the same room. Thinking back, I've done it with a good number of my best friends, and it always was a great experience.

I think I might just take up [livejournal.com profile] musicdieu on his offer (he replied to my call for a place to crash by pointing out he has a double bed).

I shall be taking the lady [livejournal.com profile] azrhey out for her birthday, um, later today. And have some gathering Friday. That should be quite nice, I think.
pphaneuf: (Default)
We don't see that kind of thing around here. And it's not because they're better or anything, it's a question of culture and values.

Playing Pac-Man in a university's library corridors and cubicle alleys is just too funny, if you're like me!

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